September 3rd

Sometimes it feels like this is all old news now and there are better things to talk about. Then I find out someone JUST found out about what I am going through and want to ask all kinds of questions...I am fine talking about it but this is really weird since I don't usually talk that much about myself. I normally don't seek the spot light. It really is ok to talk about other things..ummm...the problem is that not much else is going on since I am busy with doctor appointments or test..blah! So, PLEASE feel free to talk about what is happening in your world! Ok, well...So...a few weeks ago I got a phone call from the clinic I went to when I was diagnosed. They want me to come in for a follow up appointment. That is really weird since I thought I had been handed off to the surgery center. Not much the clinic can do for me. Ok, I will come in and do a follow up. It is on a Saturday which is crazy, but ok. So I drive DOWN (it takes about 20-25 minutes depending on traffic) to the clinic. This is the conversation that I have with the girl at the front desk. Girl: Can I help you? Me: Hi, I have a 11:15 appointment with ________. Girl:___________ isn't in today. Me: Then why do I have an appointment? Girl:Well, _________ has several appointments set up for today but we cancelled them. Me:I didn't get a call to tell me that the appointment was cancelled. Girl:We don't call you, we just clear them out of the computer. At this point I just say Wow,Thanks...and walk out. So..Their office calls me for an appointment that I don't need but then doesn't let me know they really don't want me to come in..Makes sense to me! In one way, it made me giggle..because I know ________ did not set up the appointments. The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. Ok, so today I had my first appointment with Oncology. I am learning all kinds of terminology. There are so many big medical words to describe something as simple as cancer and how to take care of it. After much discussion, everything that I learned today.. 1. The decision Jeff and I made about having a double mastectomy was a really smart decision. I am HER2 receptive, which means to me that if I had left the other breast, the chances of the cancer coming back were pretty good and I would have had to have treatment to lessen my chances. Because I removed both, the chances are gone and no treatment is needed!Blessings! 2. The lung carcinoid is SOOO slow growing and is not evasive, so nothing needs to be done before the surgery to it! Blessings! 3. No other cancer was found! BLESSINGS! I did have to have more blood test done today, but I am on the path to being a pro at it! So next week I meet with the lung doctor and we should have a plan as to how to remove the carcinoid and when..Hurry up and wait... Today was a good day!

August 26

This morning started about 4 omygollyitisstilldarkoutside early. I was awaken by intense pain in my side. Sorry this may be TMI..I think I had a ovarian cyst burst..the pain is so intense. I took heavy drugs but it took a long time for them to kick in. By that time I was in no condition to work. I hate that we are only on the second week of school and I have only been a few times. Between all the doctor appointments and then today not feeling good..UUGG. I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon where I thought I would be going over the test from last week. My appointment was for 1:30 and the doctor finally came in to see me about 3:30. She was surprised to see us. What's up? Jeff and I looked at each other cause we know WE didn't plan this meeting....She gave me a look over and we talked for a few, then I asked how my test looked from last week..she gave them a quick look and said everything looks great. No other cancer was found other than the carcinoid in the lung that we already knew about. WHAT? REALLY? That news was so worth sitting in that room for 2 hours! Amazing! Again I truly believe that prayers work! So now she is handing me off to Pulmanary. This makes me worried since I so much love my doctor. She is beyond words! I tell people that she left her autograph on my chest. And it is beautiful! So now next week I am off to see the Oncologist. That is all that I have on the calendar at this time but I know that it will fill up fast. It is just "Hurry up and Wait" again.

August 21st

One month past surgery. Ta-Da! What a week so far. Monday August 19th: I had to go into the hospital for a CT. This one involved drinking some of the most NASTY liquid I have ever had. I was told it had crystal light lemon in it to cover the taste of the tracer. NASTY, People! Find something else to flavor it with..At least it was cold, and they gave me a straw so I could put the straw to the back of my mouth trying to pass all the taste buds. AND they gave me 90 minutes to get it down. OH, but not all of it. I needed to save the last half an inch to drink right before the test. My sweetheart was with me to help entertain me while chugging. We were able to walk the hospital while doing the chug..must say, that is one of the best places to people watch. After I got the liquid down, I changed into my "daylight gown" and headed in to the testing room. Ok, this is where you know I am not of the medical field when I don't know what to call things...The needle they put in your arm for an IV, yep, they put one of those in my arm and then they shoot some stuff in it and you taste something like a metal taste in your mouth and then you start the test, the table goes in to a tube..too hard to explain everything..then they hook up the tracer to the thing in your arm and now you have the feeling that you are going to wet your pants. True..at least it is a warm feeling. 10 minutes later you are having the needle thing ripped out of your arm, you are free to change back into your clothes, and PLEASE drink lots of water to flush out of your system the stuff we gave you to drink earlier. UUGGG! Today, Wednesday August 21: I headed back to the hospital. I am starting to know my way around that place..I have that needle shoved back into my arm, a bunch of liquid pushed into the needle and there it is again..that metal taste in my mouth. Now comes the metal box. Inside is a syringe with the radio activit tracer and other stuff. It is shoved into the needle thing in my arm..I feel it go up my arm and into my chest..it is cold! Then more of the "metal in my mouth" liquid is shoved in after it. Now at this point the tech says, "Hey girl, you are now HOT!" Like I wasn't before that? I have been having hot flashes all morning... I can go about my day, but I have to be back in 4 hours. SOOOO...I pick up my sweetheart and back to the hospital we go. Now we get to go to a big room with a weird table and mechanical arm that has a weird tube thing on it.. again too hard to explain...I have to lay down and hold really still for about an hour with a big flat thing VERY VERY close to my face and upper body. Good thing I am not closterphobic, but this could very well make me! I had to close my eyes for a bit. The table was very slowly making its way out from this flat thing, as it was taking pictures of the radioactive stuff inside of me. The pictures are a FULL body scan. AND they do a 3-D picture. The tech lets us see what the pictures look like after I am all done..It is way cool! I have to go back tomorrow and do the scan again. I don't get shot up any more, they are looking at what is left inside of me. AND I might have to go back on Friday. I have to drink lots of water to flush this stuff out of me. AGAIN YUCK! I am so tired of Peeing!!!! (Sorry, TMI again..) Ok, so my stitches are healing, my skin is still UBER sensitive. I was given the green light to start wearing my new boobs. They are so...so...I don't even have a word to describe. I do think they look better than my originals. The best part is I can take them off and put them away when I am done for the day. I think I have worn them a bit too much though because I am SOOO sore. I didn't wear them today. I will wear them when I go to work, but then I rush home to hurry and take them off. I know when I am all healed I will be able to wear them longer. I have new thoughts when I think of "Letting myself go" or "Slipping into something more comfortable"...Whole new meaning!

August 15

3 weeks past surgery. Wow. I had an appointment on Tuesday with my surgeon. She is amazing. She called me (herself..not a nurse) to see how I was doing and if I had any questions or concerns. I told her I was still having some problems that I was not sure if it is normal or not after surgery so she had me come in so we could look at it. A few weeks ago when I went in to have my second drain removed, she was not there and another doctor had pulled it. Then when I went in for a check on how it was healing, again she was not there. She was on a work week vacation, if you could call it that. At the check up the doctor at the time had decided that I needed an ultra sound to see if I had fluid built up on my side and that could be why I was having the nerve problems in my arm and side. MY doctor was upset that I was never seen and that I have not heard from any other doctors regarding test or future appointments. SHE got on the computer and found that I do have an appointment this next week and then I am meeting with Oncology the first week in September. SOOOO that is good. She then gave me the green light to go back to my normal activites, just listen to my body. Only lift what I feel comfortable lifting. Don't over do it, rest when tired. OK! Jeff was my witness! She gave me some stretches to do to limber up my arms so I don't loose range of motion. She says I am doing really well for someone who has just had surgery 3 weeks ago. I start back to work tomorrow and next week is the first week of school. Wo! Here it comes! I am still trying to figure out clothes, so this will be an adventure. I am trying to focus on work because thinking about the next adventure in my health is starting to scare me. I have been doing some reading and none of it sounds fun. Thats all I want to talk about it right now because I know that what ever happens, it will be my own adventure!

Two Weeks

Has it really been two weeks since I had surgery? In some ways it is fast, others a bit slow. I feel good, tired, but good. I have sore spots, but if I didn't we would all worry. Yesterday I had a check up from one of my surgeons. She says everything looks good, the pain that I am having down my arm and side might be from fluid build-up. I am waiting for a ultrasound to find out. Hopefully in the next few days I will hear from all the other doctors that want a piece of me... So, the good and the bad that I have learned this past 2 weeks: Lets start with the negitive since I always like to end on a happy note.. 1. Some people have really big hearts and want to let you know they understand what you are going through and share stories about their great-aunts, cousins, 2 doors down neighbor who's dog had cancer..it died..but I know you will make it. Thats hard to listen to...I really need positive right now... 2. I am having a hard time with the clothes in my closet. My skin is UBER sensitive and finding a shirt that I can handle not to mention make it not so notice-able that I am missing something on top, has become quite a challenge. I am trying to embrase the very flat top of me but it is hard when my stomach looks like I am now 7 months prego! (Yes, I know that when you look at me know you will be staring at my mid section..go ahead..I look at it often myself and giggle) 3. I hate holding still. I thought that laying in bed all day or just to sit and veg in my rocking chair would feel so good...NOT 4. I think the hardest part is not healing as fast as I had expected. Well, I really didn't know what to expect, but I know that having the gunk under my arm was not in the plan. OK, now the positive... 1. I LOVE all the support and love that I have been given by SOOOO many people. My name has been put on SEVERAL Temple prayer rolls and all the others that have prayed for me. I feel it every day! I feel so much love that at times it is overwhelming to say the least. 2. I have 5 new "scars" to be proud of. (Please refer back to previous post) I am amazed at how many other STRONG people have "scars" that I did not know about that now share with me! They strenghten my testimony daily. 3. WE have had some amazing dinners! SO yummy and not to mention the COOKIES! Yes! Jeff is a happy man! I am so thankful for all the hands that have prepared with love the food for us! 4. My testimony has grown leaps and bounds! ( I know some people will now think I have gone loony especially those that don't believe in God or Jesus Christ...)The love I have for my husband and the priesthood he holds and the love he has for me has been my anchor. I know my Father in Heaven LOVES me and has a plan for me. The hard part is just going along with it with out asking too many questions. Just GO WITH IT! I will learn so many great things from this adventure. There is a scripture in D&C 24:8. God is talking to Joseph Smith but I have applied it to myself: Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days. I know this to be true. With all my being.

July 30-Aug 3

Well I guess I was healing too well and too quickly. I needed something to slow me down. I had gotten one of my tubes out on Monday, by Tuesday night the other tube really started to bother me. My right arm is SUPER swollen where they took the lymph nodes out and it swelled up down my right side. Slowly I started getting a feeling like my arm is asleep. It started on my sholder and has worked its way down to my elbow. Thursday I left two messages on the nurse line at the doctors office letting them know I was having problems. I never heard back from them. My Angel came over after she got off work to look at me. I am red around the drain tube and I have puss around it. I am red all up my side and the swelling has gotten really big. I can't put my arm down all the way and it hurts unless I have a pillow under it supporting it. She put me on antibiotics and told me to go in to my doctor's office in the morning as a walk in. Friday morning I was the first one in the office, only to find out all the doctors are out till after one. I talk to a nurse who then looks at my side and puts a call into my doctor to see if we can pull the tube. An hour and a half later we get ahold of the doctor and she wants me to be seen by someone before pulling the tube so I have to come back at 1. At 1 I have another surgeon look at my side and he said it was infected and it would be ok to pull my drain! Hurray! BUT MAN THAT HURTS! I have to hold still for the next couple of days, which is not my strong suit. The past two nights I have finally had to take pain meds. That is when you know it hurts. My stiches feel really weird. My skin is ultra sensitive and it is hard to find a shirt that I can handle wearing, let alone cover myself enough to go into public. I am so tired today. I know it is my body trying to heal. I have another doctor's appointment next Tuesday. Hopefully I will be feeling better way before then!

July 29

So I was told this morning that I am not sharing enough about how/how not painful all of what is happening to me is. Again, this may be too much TMI, but this is more for my journaling than anything else. I have been on my cycle during all of this and at first my cycle was more painful than my chest. I have only taken Tylenol for cramps and headaches and for two nights I took a muscle relaxer that was prescribed by the doctor. I have been really sore, but if I just hold still and get destracted, I really don't feel my chest. When I move, then I feel it. I have been wearing this "Bra" if you can call it that, it has several hooks in the front and wraps me from under my arm pits to almost my belly button. What hurts wearing it is the tubes I have for draining are stiched in and the pressure of the "Bra" on them really hurt. If I move fast or try to lift something too heavy, I feel pain. I can lift my hands over my head but my right side is still really swollen. Every day I feel different. Today I feel like something is sitting on my chest. I am almost numb feeling but then to the side of over feeling. It is hard to describe. At my doctor's appointment today, the doctor took out one of my drains. IT HURT coming out, but she was great to do the "rip it out as fast as you can" move. Now it is just really sensitive but feels so much better! I find that I am healing in one spot, only to find a new spot that I didn't realize hurt till now. But I find that I don't need meds for it. It is all do-able. I can't relax my right arm all the way down because of the swelling. I have stiches just down from my arm pit that is almost the whole side of me. I have stiches about 6 inches in length on both sides where my breast used to be. I have two small holes on my sides where the drain tubes are and stiches to hold them in. (Well, now I just have a drain on the right side with stiches, the left side is just taped up now.) I was told I can now take off the "Bra" but be careful with the drain tube. Now I feel really weird not having any stuffing. I just have tape on my stiches. It feels over sensitive having my shirt rub on my skin with no padding. I know that nerves are slowly going to be growing back and I will not feel numb/over sensitive for too long. ON to my appointment... Well...the surgery went great and THEY FOUND NO CANCER IN THE LYMPH NODES! WHAT? No cancer in the lymph nodes. Amazing! Now the doctor's first thought was that I probably will not need chemo for the breast cancer. She thinks we got it all. But I will probably need another treatment that is similar, but does not have as strong of a side effect as the chemo. BUT....that is not to say I won't need it for the lung cancer. Chemo will not effect the lung cancer right now because it is too slow growing. Chemo effects fast growing cells. Next Monday I have an appointment to go into the clinic to have the other drain tube removed. Then I will see my doctor again two weeks from then. I am waiting now to hear from the Pulmonary doctors and the Oncologist to see what they would like to do next. I have set up for August 19-22 to do testing to see if I have any other cancer lurking inside. It will be a tough week with all the testing but I am hoping that I will have healed enough that my chest will not bother me. I know that prayer works!!! I love all the text, cards, emails of love and support! This is an emotional rollercoaster! I AM BLESSED!