August 21st

One month past surgery. Ta-Da! What a week so far. Monday August 19th: I had to go into the hospital for a CT. This one involved drinking some of the most NASTY liquid I have ever had. I was told it had crystal light lemon in it to cover the taste of the tracer. NASTY, People! Find something else to flavor it with..At least it was cold, and they gave me a straw so I could put the straw to the back of my mouth trying to pass all the taste buds. AND they gave me 90 minutes to get it down. OH, but not all of it. I needed to save the last half an inch to drink right before the test. My sweetheart was with me to help entertain me while chugging. We were able to walk the hospital while doing the chug..must say, that is one of the best places to people watch. After I got the liquid down, I changed into my "daylight gown" and headed in to the testing room. Ok, this is where you know I am not of the medical field when I don't know what to call things...The needle they put in your arm for an IV, yep, they put one of those in my arm and then they shoot some stuff in it and you taste something like a metal taste in your mouth and then you start the test, the table goes in to a tube..too hard to explain everything..then they hook up the tracer to the thing in your arm and now you have the feeling that you are going to wet your pants. True..at least it is a warm feeling. 10 minutes later you are having the needle thing ripped out of your arm, you are free to change back into your clothes, and PLEASE drink lots of water to flush out of your system the stuff we gave you to drink earlier. UUGGG! Today, Wednesday August 21: I headed back to the hospital. I am starting to know my way around that place..I have that needle shoved back into my arm, a bunch of liquid pushed into the needle and there it is again..that metal taste in my mouth. Now comes the metal box. Inside is a syringe with the radio activit tracer and other stuff. It is shoved into the needle thing in my arm..I feel it go up my arm and into my chest..it is cold! Then more of the "metal in my mouth" liquid is shoved in after it. Now at this point the tech says, "Hey girl, you are now HOT!" Like I wasn't before that? I have been having hot flashes all morning... I can go about my day, but I have to be back in 4 hours. SOOOO...I pick up my sweetheart and back to the hospital we go. Now we get to go to a big room with a weird table and mechanical arm that has a weird tube thing on it.. again too hard to explain...I have to lay down and hold really still for about an hour with a big flat thing VERY VERY close to my face and upper body. Good thing I am not closterphobic, but this could very well make me! I had to close my eyes for a bit. The table was very slowly making its way out from this flat thing, as it was taking pictures of the radioactive stuff inside of me. The pictures are a FULL body scan. AND they do a 3-D picture. The tech lets us see what the pictures look like after I am all done..It is way cool! I have to go back tomorrow and do the scan again. I don't get shot up any more, they are looking at what is left inside of me. AND I might have to go back on Friday. I have to drink lots of water to flush this stuff out of me. AGAIN YUCK! I am so tired of Peeing!!!! (Sorry, TMI again..) Ok, so my stitches are healing, my skin is still UBER sensitive. I was given the green light to start wearing my new boobs. They are so...so...I don't even have a word to describe. I do think they look better than my originals. The best part is I can take them off and put them away when I am done for the day. I think I have worn them a bit too much though because I am SOOO sore. I didn't wear them today. I will wear them when I go to work, but then I rush home to hurry and take them off. I know when I am all healed I will be able to wear them longer. I have new thoughts when I think of "Letting myself go" or "Slipping into something more comfortable"...Whole new meaning!

August 15

3 weeks past surgery. Wow. I had an appointment on Tuesday with my surgeon. She is amazing. She called me (herself..not a nurse) to see how I was doing and if I had any questions or concerns. I told her I was still having some problems that I was not sure if it is normal or not after surgery so she had me come in so we could look at it. A few weeks ago when I went in to have my second drain removed, she was not there and another doctor had pulled it. Then when I went in for a check on how it was healing, again she was not there. She was on a work week vacation, if you could call it that. At the check up the doctor at the time had decided that I needed an ultra sound to see if I had fluid built up on my side and that could be why I was having the nerve problems in my arm and side. MY doctor was upset that I was never seen and that I have not heard from any other doctors regarding test or future appointments. SHE got on the computer and found that I do have an appointment this next week and then I am meeting with Oncology the first week in September. SOOOO that is good. She then gave me the green light to go back to my normal activites, just listen to my body. Only lift what I feel comfortable lifting. Don't over do it, rest when tired. OK! Jeff was my witness! She gave me some stretches to do to limber up my arms so I don't loose range of motion. She says I am doing really well for someone who has just had surgery 3 weeks ago. I start back to work tomorrow and next week is the first week of school. Wo! Here it comes! I am still trying to figure out clothes, so this will be an adventure. I am trying to focus on work because thinking about the next adventure in my health is starting to scare me. I have been doing some reading and none of it sounds fun. Thats all I want to talk about it right now because I know that what ever happens, it will be my own adventure!

Two Weeks

Has it really been two weeks since I had surgery? In some ways it is fast, others a bit slow. I feel good, tired, but good. I have sore spots, but if I didn't we would all worry. Yesterday I had a check up from one of my surgeons. She says everything looks good, the pain that I am having down my arm and side might be from fluid build-up. I am waiting for a ultrasound to find out. Hopefully in the next few days I will hear from all the other doctors that want a piece of me... So, the good and the bad that I have learned this past 2 weeks: Lets start with the negitive since I always like to end on a happy note.. 1. Some people have really big hearts and want to let you know they understand what you are going through and share stories about their great-aunts, cousins, 2 doors down neighbor who's dog had cancer..it died..but I know you will make it. Thats hard to listen to...I really need positive right now... 2. I am having a hard time with the clothes in my closet. My skin is UBER sensitive and finding a shirt that I can handle not to mention make it not so notice-able that I am missing something on top, has become quite a challenge. I am trying to embrase the very flat top of me but it is hard when my stomach looks like I am now 7 months prego! (Yes, I know that when you look at me know you will be staring at my mid section..go ahead..I look at it often myself and giggle) 3. I hate holding still. I thought that laying in bed all day or just to sit and veg in my rocking chair would feel so good...NOT 4. I think the hardest part is not healing as fast as I had expected. Well, I really didn't know what to expect, but I know that having the gunk under my arm was not in the plan. OK, now the positive... 1. I LOVE all the support and love that I have been given by SOOOO many people. My name has been put on SEVERAL Temple prayer rolls and all the others that have prayed for me. I feel it every day! I feel so much love that at times it is overwhelming to say the least. 2. I have 5 new "scars" to be proud of. (Please refer back to previous post) I am amazed at how many other STRONG people have "scars" that I did not know about that now share with me! They strenghten my testimony daily. 3. WE have had some amazing dinners! SO yummy and not to mention the COOKIES! Yes! Jeff is a happy man! I am so thankful for all the hands that have prepared with love the food for us! 4. My testimony has grown leaps and bounds! ( I know some people will now think I have gone loony especially those that don't believe in God or Jesus Christ...)The love I have for my husband and the priesthood he holds and the love he has for me has been my anchor. I know my Father in Heaven LOVES me and has a plan for me. The hard part is just going along with it with out asking too many questions. Just GO WITH IT! I will learn so many great things from this adventure. There is a scripture in D&C 24:8. God is talking to Joseph Smith but I have applied it to myself: Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days. I know this to be true. With all my being.

July 30-Aug 3

Well I guess I was healing too well and too quickly. I needed something to slow me down. I had gotten one of my tubes out on Monday, by Tuesday night the other tube really started to bother me. My right arm is SUPER swollen where they took the lymph nodes out and it swelled up down my right side. Slowly I started getting a feeling like my arm is asleep. It started on my sholder and has worked its way down to my elbow. Thursday I left two messages on the nurse line at the doctors office letting them know I was having problems. I never heard back from them. My Angel came over after she got off work to look at me. I am red around the drain tube and I have puss around it. I am red all up my side and the swelling has gotten really big. I can't put my arm down all the way and it hurts unless I have a pillow under it supporting it. She put me on antibiotics and told me to go in to my doctor's office in the morning as a walk in. Friday morning I was the first one in the office, only to find out all the doctors are out till after one. I talk to a nurse who then looks at my side and puts a call into my doctor to see if we can pull the tube. An hour and a half later we get ahold of the doctor and she wants me to be seen by someone before pulling the tube so I have to come back at 1. At 1 I have another surgeon look at my side and he said it was infected and it would be ok to pull my drain! Hurray! BUT MAN THAT HURTS! I have to hold still for the next couple of days, which is not my strong suit. The past two nights I have finally had to take pain meds. That is when you know it hurts. My stiches feel really weird. My skin is ultra sensitive and it is hard to find a shirt that I can handle wearing, let alone cover myself enough to go into public. I am so tired today. I know it is my body trying to heal. I have another doctor's appointment next Tuesday. Hopefully I will be feeling better way before then!

July 29

So I was told this morning that I am not sharing enough about how/how not painful all of what is happening to me is. Again, this may be too much TMI, but this is more for my journaling than anything else. I have been on my cycle during all of this and at first my cycle was more painful than my chest. I have only taken Tylenol for cramps and headaches and for two nights I took a muscle relaxer that was prescribed by the doctor. I have been really sore, but if I just hold still and get destracted, I really don't feel my chest. When I move, then I feel it. I have been wearing this "Bra" if you can call it that, it has several hooks in the front and wraps me from under my arm pits to almost my belly button. What hurts wearing it is the tubes I have for draining are stiched in and the pressure of the "Bra" on them really hurt. If I move fast or try to lift something too heavy, I feel pain. I can lift my hands over my head but my right side is still really swollen. Every day I feel different. Today I feel like something is sitting on my chest. I am almost numb feeling but then to the side of over feeling. It is hard to describe. At my doctor's appointment today, the doctor took out one of my drains. IT HURT coming out, but she was great to do the "rip it out as fast as you can" move. Now it is just really sensitive but feels so much better! I find that I am healing in one spot, only to find a new spot that I didn't realize hurt till now. But I find that I don't need meds for it. It is all do-able. I can't relax my right arm all the way down because of the swelling. I have stiches just down from my arm pit that is almost the whole side of me. I have stiches about 6 inches in length on both sides where my breast used to be. I have two small holes on my sides where the drain tubes are and stiches to hold them in. (Well, now I just have a drain on the right side with stiches, the left side is just taped up now.) I was told I can now take off the "Bra" but be careful with the drain tube. Now I feel really weird not having any stuffing. I just have tape on my stiches. It feels over sensitive having my shirt rub on my skin with no padding. I know that nerves are slowly going to be growing back and I will not feel numb/over sensitive for too long. ON to my appointment... Well...the surgery went great and THEY FOUND NO CANCER IN THE LYMPH NODES! WHAT? No cancer in the lymph nodes. Amazing! Now the doctor's first thought was that I probably will not need chemo for the breast cancer. She thinks we got it all. But I will probably need another treatment that is similar, but does not have as strong of a side effect as the chemo. BUT....that is not to say I won't need it for the lung cancer. Chemo will not effect the lung cancer right now because it is too slow growing. Chemo effects fast growing cells. Next Monday I have an appointment to go into the clinic to have the other drain tube removed. Then I will see my doctor again two weeks from then. I am waiting now to hear from the Pulmonary doctors and the Oncologist to see what they would like to do next. I have set up for August 19-22 to do testing to see if I have any other cancer lurking inside. It will be a tough week with all the testing but I am hoping that I will have healed enough that my chest will not bother me. I know that prayer works!!! I love all the text, cards, emails of love and support! This is an emotional rollercoaster! I AM BLESSED!

July 23-28

This is going to be hard to remember everything that happened this week since I think I have slept through most of it. July 23rd:This was a hard day. I had to surrender my cats to the SPCA. I know I just won't be able to take care of the two cats while I am going through everything. Keeping up with cat hair alone is a big job. I LOVED these cats, but I wanted them to go to home that would be able to take care of them they way they should be taken care of. Well, my little girl cat was not going in the carrier for ANYTHING! She and I had a "CAT FIGHT". I got scratched up pretty bad, even on my eye so it looks like I was in a bad fight and lost. After we surrendered the cats I had to head over to the hospital for lab work. Hurry up, wait...We talked to a lady about what proceedure I was having and what would be happeneing and where to go in the morning. Then I had blood work and urine testing AGAIN. Still not pregnant! Ok, arrival time for tomorrow..6 am. Then I got a bag with lots of paperwork and a parking pass for tomorrow, and some special soap to wash with 2 times before I go in. I have had great text and emails from friends and love ones. I finally had to turn my phone off because a few of the text were starting to give me panic attacks. I appreciate all of them, just needed to focus on myself. July 24: I didn't sleep very well. We that can be expected. I got up and showered for the second time (night before first scrub)with the special soap. Put comfy clothes on that won't be on long, packed a small bag with go home clothes and a blanket and headed to the hospital. All checked in..Hurry and wait....got called back to get into my hospital clothes..hurry up and wait...start IV..that took 2 tries..(And yes I was hydrated..I had been drinking tons of water the day before..yuck!) Then a long wait..off to Radiology. The tech was so cute and so helpful explaining everything that was happening. The doctor sanitized my breast and then with a very small needle with a big metal covering that came from a metal box, injected me 4 times around the areloa with radio-active stuff. IT HURT..it stings when it is going in. Once in it doesn't hurt any more. I have to massage it for 10 minutes. We are wanting it to travel to the surrounding lymph nodes. This will tell us where the cancer may have spread. I am placed under a huge metal disk and on a screen you can see where all the radio-active material is under the skin. Very COOL! Several pictures are taken from different angles and then I am marked on the skin where the lymph nodes are under the skin. Back up to waiting room...where you wait...and wait..and..oh..here come the anesthesiologist. His names if Pharis. A beautiful black man with a great english sounding accent. Oh, and he is LDS. He is from SLC down here doing training. We talked about how last time I was under (2 weeks ago) I didn't do well when I woke up since I was supper nauseous and had a headache and was agitated. He said not a problem and he would take care of that. They gave me the "I just don't care what you do to me" juice, I kissed my sweetheart goodby and off to the operating room. I started getting loopy, not as fast as last time and actually made it to the table and scooted over and layed down before I was out. Then it is a blur for awhile after that. Of course I was out for several hours during the surgery. I do remember being in a dark room, feeling really nauseous again and super agitated. The nausea was worse than the time before. Jeff did a great job holding on to me and spent HOURS fanning me. It was so hot in that room. The nurse told Jeff twice that it was after visiting hours and that he HAD to leave. He was not visiting me, he was helping me! I was really mad at her. She was not in the room helping, so why kick out the one who is?!?!?! It was about 1:30 in the morning when they got ahold of a doctor that would change the medication that was making me so sick. Finally about 2am I started feeling a little bit better. I had these "massaging" things on my legs that keep you from getting blood clots in the legs..these alternate and are supper annoying! I have two tubes (one on either side of my chest) coming out of me, I am in a tight fitting "bra" if you can call it that, with a bunch of stuffing. I only have one pillow on my bed. I have started my cycle and the cramps hurt more than my surgery area. I am sharing the room with a lady who is NOT happy. People are in and out ALL NIGHT LONG making sure we are both doing ok. Taking blood pressure and temp, checking to see if we have gone to the bathroom (I pee dark blue for two days! SO COOL!)They decided that this was the perfect time to polish the floors out side my door which takes all night. I have a surgeon I have never seen before come in about 4:30 to check on me and see how I am doing since I have refused all pain meds. I don't like how I am feeling on all the drugs. I am over tired and just want to go home so I can sleep. The nurse finally finds me two more pillows to try to get more comfortable. Well that didn't happen. Then about 8ish the rounds start. It is a learning hospital. I have two different doctors come in and talk to me at different times, then the whole intern team comes in. They all look so serious! Now you know I can't keep things serious! I start cracking jokes..The surgeon wants to look at my stiches to see how the tubes are holding in and how the rest of me is doing so as she is undoing my "bra" she made a comment on how she was sad for me it was not very flashy. I told her not to worry, when I get home I am going to badazzle it and put tassles on it! She cracks up and some of the interns where a few of the interns look to see if it is ok to laugh or not..so funny to see their expressions. Finally breakfast comes about 9:00..not very good..Jeff shows up! HURRAY!!!!! Doc comes back in about 11:30 and asks if I am feeling ok, do I need drugs..I just want to go home. Since I am showing that I can eat and keep stuff down, I can head home. I am released about 1:30ish 2:00 with instructions on how to take care of the drains and what meds to take when I get home. The phamacy has been sent my list and it should be ready for me when I get there. I get dressed but forgot to grab my hat before Jeff takes all my stuff to the truck. Man, can I rock the hospital look! Hair everywhere, black eye from my "Catfight", holes all over from the IV's and a big baggie shirt to cover all the fun on my chest. Jeff gets me home and I find that my friend had decorated my front yard and door. I had pin wheels in the grass, a big sign across the front saying "IT's A GIRL!" with all pink stuff on the door with ballons and goodie bag and lots of stars and hearts up the walkway. I just stood there and cried! It was so cool! I enjoy just being home for about an hour and then I crashed! I slept for almost 2 hours! It felt so good to sleep but it is hard to get comfortable. I am a side sleeper and I have to sleep propped up with ALL the pillows around me and a pillow under my legs. When I wake up I feel drained! Jeff has been joking about instead of poking and prodding me, just hit me with a stick like a pinata and see what falls out. Well someone sure did hit me with a big stick! The rest of the day goes really fast. I have friends come and visit so they can see how I am and not just believe my text that I am ok. I am able to sleep all night really hard. Jeff was out too! July 26: I am up and moving. I feel tired but good, just a little sore. I acutally do the dishes, clean up the kitchen and start laundry. I get to take a shower today for the first time. It is so weird to look at my chest. It is concave with stiches and tape across them. My left side has stiches also from where they took the lymph nodes and it is supper swollen. The drains are weird how the tubes just come right out of the skin but has stiches to hold them in. The tubes have a weird bulb at the end that collects all the gunk. The shower feels so good but it is hard to lift my arms above my head to shampoo my hair. Where the water hits my surgery area stings a bit, but to be clean feels so good. It takes me about 45 minutes to shower and get myself all bundled back up. I am so tired after. I have sweet friends stop by and see me and bring COOKIES! YES! Jeff gets some movies from Red Box..it feels good to be home! July 27: I am more sore today than yesterday. My left hand is swollen and the drains ache. I am still so tired. I am able to get up and make breakfast, and get laundry going again. I shower again and it feels better this time. I do more laundry and then...Jeff has to do a move in inspection so I get to go with him! I am so happy to get out of the house. I am going stir crazy! We were gone about 1 hour and it wiped me out. I came home and slept almost 2 hours. I finished up laundry (no I didn't lift the baskets, I had Jeff carry everything upstairs) and did some more dishes. I am not supppose to be lifting anything but it is so hard to hold still! I had a dear friend bring us dinner and enjoyed a visit with her. I got to talk to Colt on the phone..he is still out of town and won't be back till the end of the week. Then more friends come over, and then end the night with my "Angel" coming to check on me again. She checks my drains and gives me the thumbs up that I am healing really well. I guess you actually get worse before you get better. I am feeling really tired and sore and was getting upset thinking I wasn't getting better. July 28: It was a bad night. I kept waking up not feeling good, it was too hot, I hurt, was sleeping on the tubes, my arm fell asleep...just a yucky night. Jeff made breakfast and another sweet friend showed up with more goodies! I thought about going to church today, but the last thing I need is to catch a bug that may be going around, not to mention it is hard to hide the drains. I hate missing church. I know I have to hold still and heal so I can go next week. BLAH! I am looking forward to my doctor appointment tomorrow. I will be able to get out of the house again! But I have the feeling it is going to wear me out. I will try and update tomorrow after my appointment!

July 22

It has been another long day. I had expected to post earlier but life happened. So this morning I had a early appointment with the Women's center to get the results of my uterus biopsy that I had two weeks ago. It came back negative. I was not surprised. (But then my "Angel" told me last week the results.) Then I had several other doctors come in and talk to me about options for a uterus oblation. We got the dates all set up and the test that need to be done before the oblation all set up. That was a long morning of talking and waiting. Then I raced home, had an early lunch with my sweetheart and then off to my next appointment. I met with the surgeon for the breast surgery and I was expecting to set up the surgery for in about 3 weeks to a month. From discussions with her in the past, it was looking more to the end of August. When we acutually talked to her today, we found out she has me on the schedual for this Wednesday. WHAT?!?!?! WO! (She was surprised that no one had called me..)She is super busy in August and didn't want to wait..plus with the lung cancer still looming, it was better to get mine done sooner. The ONLY problem is that she does not have a plastic surgeon right now. So no reconstruction now. I am a little bummed but we have so many things that need attention right now, boobs will just have to wait. (Thats a familiar story..wait to get them off, wait to get them back on...OH WELL..)Then the realization that "OH, THE OTHER DOCTOR THIS MORNING WANTS TO DO THE OBLATION NEXT WEEK.." Well that will just have to wait now. Since the oblation is not dealing with anything that is screeming at me (well, it is but it can wait) it is going to have to be moved down on the prioriy list. Dang, since that has been BOTHERING ME THE LONGEST! Funny how that is. So now I need to call that office in the morning and cancel all those appointments. Tomorrow I probably have to go in for a bunch of blood test and other test before Wednesday's adventure. I am a little nervous. I don't like pain. I don't do it well. It will be weird to not have my boobs anymore. But I am happy that the ITCH will finally be gone. Hurray! I once saw a quote, but not sure who said it, that said, "A scar is proof that you are tougher than what is trying to hurt you!" Wednesday, I will have a scar to be proud of! The past few weeks I have had the most WONDERFUL cards and text and emails of love and support. I can not begin to explain the love that I am feeling. I didn't realize how many people have been dealing with their own "Scars". I even have a card all the way from Japan where a dear friend and her husband are serving a mission! I feel all the prayers for me and it touches me so deeply! I have my name in several temples with many people that don't even know me, praying for me. I am in awe! No, very humbled! I will post more hopefully at the end of the week. (If I am able to lift my hands!!) Maybe I will have Jeff post..I really do need to hear things from his side..I love several of the things he has said the past few weeks! He takes such good care of me! He is my prince charming! My everything! I am SO blessed to have him as my husband!